God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
