The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
