i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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