I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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