my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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