so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
