Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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