Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
