You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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