dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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