i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
