just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize