hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
