Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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