Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
