I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize