No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
