Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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