I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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