atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize