Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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