tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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