guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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