So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you win again, gameday.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
