so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
