Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
