and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
