too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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