i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
