I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dicks are not precious.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
