Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
