Christians are straight up FREAKS
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize