if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
