I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
