Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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