I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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