what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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