My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
being pregnant is like rehab
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
