Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
