It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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