she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think your dad took our porno
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
