I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
