He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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