i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
