I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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