What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
