My nipple is on Facebook.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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