I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
