Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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