I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
