He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
