when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize