Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
