You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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