I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
