when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
